Lockhart's Locks
by VickyVicarious
Summary: The tale of one man's quest to market his own range of hair-care potions - and the Potions Master quite unwilling to aid him along the way. [Lockhart & Snape, book two gen humor]


So apparently the second book has quite a few cracky story possibilities. I happened upon mention of the below quote in a fic actually and inspiration hit. I don't really have a concrete plan for this. If there's no interest, I probably won't continue it. I do have a few ideas for short little drabble-like moments throughout the book, which ideally would fit with shown canon (maybe one per month of the school year, or something?). However, it probably wouldn't be a fully fleshed-out story, not in the sense of having any decent length or plot progression.

Shall I continue? I guess I'll leave it up to you guys! Either way, I hope you find this enjoyable.

* * *

"…but Miss Hermione Granger knew my secret ambition is to rid the world of evil and market my own range of hair-care potions – good girl!" – Gilderoy Lockhart, _Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets_

-xxx-

Ninety-nine point nine percent of Gilderoy Lockhart's books were blatant lies. He knew this, and really wasn't ashamed. For a near-Squib with a dubious moral code and a powerful Obliviate, not to mention a very charming smile, his elaborate scams had practically written themselves. Certainly none of his stolen fame weighed on his mind any. By this point, he himself half-believed he'd really done all those heroic things he'd written about.

However, once upon a time, Gilderoy Lockhart was merely a dashingly handsome youngster who yearned to bring equality into the world. Rather, he was a teenage boy who dreamed of creating a hair-care potion that would allow the rest of the world to share his own silken, flowing locks. He'd been such a charitable boy back then, it really was no surprise he had used up all of his generosity on those efforts and had, since graduation, become concerned only with his own welfare no matter the effects on others.

And yet… even now, many years and awards later, Gilderoy still secretly daydreamed about the day _Lockhart's Locks_ was a household product, and wizards and witches throughout all of Great Britain sported fabulous hair. Perhaps it was some long-buried Ravenclaw desire to become famous for his _own_ intellectual work – or perhaps it was simply another facet of his narcissistic personality coming to the fore and demanding still more public adulation. He was never quite sure… in part because he didn't even know what 'narcissistic' meant or why people kept calling him that.

In any case, Gilderoy had idly designed his product over the years. He'd come up with the name, the slogan (_Suds with Lockhart's Locks and let the hearts of everyone you know lock on you!_), the instructions, (1. Scrub into hair. 2. Rinse. 3. Stay fabulous!), and had even commissioned the artwork for the bottles – a photo of himself with a bath towel around his neck, grinning, winking, and holding up a bottle of the shampoo.

Gilderoy also had plans for a variety of alternate _Lockhart's Locks_ products, ranging from hair gel to detangler to hair dyes and even hair-loss prevention potions. Each of his many designs had their own artwork, names, and instructions written down (the final step was _always_ 'stay fabulous!') in a large scroll he brought everywhere. And by now Gilderoy was such a huge star that any product he put forth would get an instant market.

There was only one small problem.

Gilderoy could not make a potion if his life depended upon it. And this was saying something, because Gilderoy believed himself enough of a fighting wizard to be capable of teaching a Defense Against Dark Arts class for a year when he couldn't even cast a successful Expelliarmus. Yet even his semi-delusional, egotistic self knew better than to ever venture near a cauldron.

Yes, despite his dream and his idle planning, Gilderoy had long given up on his hair-care aspirations. The only time he really thought of them anymore was when he reread his books (which was, granted, quite often). And even then it was only daydreaming, rather than any concrete plan of action.

All this changed the day he met one Severus Snape, Potions Master.


End file.
